Welcome To Hell, I’ll Be Your Tour Guide

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277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
wizard0rb
chaumas-deactivated20230115

Last week I accidentally took an edible at 10x my usual dose. I say “accidentally” but it was really more of a “my friend held it out to my face and I impulsively swallowed it like a python”, which was technically on purpose but still an accident in that my squamate instincts acted faster than my ability to assess the situation and ask myself if I really wanted to get Atreides high or not.

Anyway. I was painting the wall when it hit. My friend heard me make a noise and asked what was wrong—I explained that I had just fallen through several portals. I realized that painting the wall fulfilled my entire hierarchy of needs, and was absolutely sure that I was on track to escaping the cycle of samsara if I just kept at it a little longer. I was thwarted on my journey towards nirvana only by the fact that I ran out of paint.

Seeking a surrogate act of humble service through which I might be redeemed and made human, I turned to unwashed dishes in the sink and took up the holy weapon of the sponge. I was partway through cleaning the blender when it REALLY hit.

You ever clean a blender? It’s a shockingly intimate act. They are complex tools. One of the most complicated denizens of the kitchen. Glass and steel and rubber and plastic. Fuck! They’ve got gaskets. You can’t just scrub ‘em and rinse them down like any other piece of shit dish. You’ve got to dissemble them piece by piece, groove by sensitive groove, taking care to lavish the spinning blades with cautious attention. There’s something sensual about it. Something strangely vulnerable.

As I stood there, turning the pieces over in my hands, I thought about all the things we ask of blenders. They don’t have an easy job. They are hard laborers taking on a thankless task. I have used them so roughly in my haste for high-density smoothies, pushing them to their limits and occasionally breaking them. I remembered the smell of acrid smoke and decaying rubber that filled the kitchen in the break room the last time I tried to make a smoothie at work—the motor overtaxed and melted, the gasket cracked and brittle. Strawberry slurry leaked out of it like the blood of a slain animal.

Was this blender built to last? Or was it doomed to an early grave in some distant landfill by the genetic disorder of planned obsolescence? I didn’t know, and was far too high to make an educated guess. But I knew that whatever care and tenderness and empathy I put into it, the more respect for the partnership of man and machine, the better it would perform for me.

This thought filled me with a surge of affection. However long its lifespan, I wanted it to be filled with dignity and love and understanding. I thought: I bet no one has hugged this blender before. And so I lifted it from its base.

A blender is roughly the size and shape of a human baby. Cradling one in your arms satisfies a primal need. A month ago I was permitted to hold an infant for the first time in my life, an experience which was physically and psychologically healing. I felt an echo of that satisfaction holding my friend the blender, and the thought of parting with it felt even more ridiculous than bringing it with me to hang out on my friend’s bed.

chaumas-deactivated20230115

#i'm so happy to finally understand what you meant by wizard high #i think you saw through the veil of the universe and unlocked the core of animism via weed gummiesALT
busket
studentofetherium

CGI animators should unionize next. normally, their jobs would be too precarious to strike, since studios would replace them without a second thought, but if it's part of this larger general film strike, they might finally have meaningful power to better their working conditions

studentofetherium

if CGI animators unionized, it would kill the MCU. straight up. the the entire business model is built on exploiting CGI animators

rifleweeb

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unculture

THEY ARE TRYING!!!!! SIGN THE PETITION TO GET THE DISNEY ANIMATORS' UNION RECOGNIZED

clustxr

this petition is from IATSE (union), btw! it actually has credibility, unlike most change.org/etc petitions! please sign it!!

liz-crimson
queer-here-and-in-fear

ok this is insane but like.. the new tumblrinas are more acclimated to the culture than some normal users. i mean it. like every single reddit refugee post has an INSANELY CLOSE like to reblog ratio and there all mutualing each other and sending each other asks and dms. like wtf. how are you better at this.

in all seriousness i think its because we welcomed them with such feral delight. like every single tumblr user individually saw the reddit refugees and were like "ok listen. we love you honey and hope you're feeling good and here are the instructions" and they did SO MUCH MORE THAN WE THOUGHT THEY WOULD!!! AND NOW ALL OF THEM ARE LIKE HAVING SO MUCH FUN AND IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!!!

and also not to keep going but i adore how everyone is so so emotional about this. like every single reddit refugee is like "oh my god why are you so nicee i havent felt this happy in years holy fuckkk..." and were all like "its ok!!! im so glad you are having fun you are doing such a good job yknow? youre perfect at this!!" anyways if YOURE a reddit refugee lets be mutuals

probablyelise

We've been let loose after staring at r/Tumblr posts for several years, our time is nigh

broccoli-bitching

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